The Chainsaw Killer! NSFW

With apologies to John Cleese, And Now For Something Completely Different!

About a million and a half years ago when I was in high school, I tried my hand at various writings with mixed results.  For instance, poetry and I do not really mix, eventhough I got one published.  But I had decidedly different time with satire.  Hence The Chainsaw Killer was born.

The following is The Chainsaw Killer, part one to four.  They are crude, rude, juvenile, goofy, gross, disgusting and oxford comma free.  And this is what the fans told me at the time.  They are also clearly satire and not to be taken seriously.  I just had a lot of fun dreaming them up.

The Chainsaw Killer, Part 1
(A Fractured Fable, Traction Tale, Smashed Story)

Jimy and Janet were making out in the back seat of his car.
Their little dog Toto was smoking a joint while pissing on the steering wheel.
While out in the woods an escaped Homicidal Maniac named Bob
had just gotten out of prison and wanted some fun.
Spying their car at Lovers Lane, He walked up to introduce himself.
Thrusting his chainsaw with impossible strength through
the hood of the car, just as Jimy was about to get lucky.
Toto tried to start the car, except the engine had been chopped in two.
Jimmy jumped out of the car, for this guy had ruined his date.
Bob, However, decided to play with Jimy.
Bob swished his chainsaw through Jimy until he was nothing but chiclets.
Janet came out of the car after putting her shirt on and checking her hair.
Toto jumped between the two, only to french kiss the chainsaw.
Bob wanted to give Janet an anatomy lesson, so he started to remove her guts.
Fully satisfied that he had done a good job, Bob walked away into the night,
However he suddenly tripped on a loose root and fell on his chainsaw and
Decapitated himself.

The Moral Of This Story Is:
If you don’t have the guts to do something, don’t try to get ahead in life.

The Chainsaw Killer, Part 2

A Homicidal Maniac named Bob was sitting in a prison waiting room.
He was getting very mad because the guard wanted
a signed confession for those other 37 murders.
Bob finally got so pissed that he threw the pen
with impossible ease into the guard’s right eye.
Thoroughly pleased with the guard’s screams of pain,
he picked up his old chainsaw, which was laying conveniently
across the room and thrust it into the second guards private parts.
Laughing all the way out of the prison,
he stopped by the warden’s office to make mincemeat
of him and his secretary, the pretty one named Shirley.
He then decided to take a stroll to Lovers Lane with his girlfriend,
Hilary the Chainsaw.

The Moral Of This Story Is:
Read the fine print before you sign anything, or you could get hurt.

The Chainsaw Killer, Part Three

As the jury said Guilty at the trial of the Homicidal Maniac named Bob,
he got very angry, for he had told them not
to get him mad but they didn’t listen to him.
Jumping with impossible grace out of the accused box,
Bob snapped his handcuffs off and reached for exhibit A, his chainsaw.
Bob quickly sliced the two guards nearest to him into three easy pieces.
Sporting a fiendish grin, Bob turned towards the Jury Box,
which everyone was trying to get out of very quickly.
He then said something not-very-nice about their mothers and procreation.
As Bob advanced towards the Jury box he felt a sudden pain in his buttocks.
Bob twisted around to see seven tranquilizer darts embedded in his ass.
As he slumped down he thought how mad they’ll
be when they find the other 37.

The Moral Of This Story Is:
Defending yourself is always such a pain in the ass.

 

The Chainsaw Killer, Part Four

The policeman shone his flashlight as the
Homicidal Maniac named Bob
as he was slicing another victim up.
The cops stumbled through the bush in the park trying to grab him.
Twisting around with impossible speed, Bob ripped the two nearest
to him head’s off, laughing all the way.
The other police quickly panicked and leveled three bullets into his chest.
Wincing with the slight pain this caused,
Bob used his chainsaw to cut the cop’s fingernails – off.
As he screamed in horror, Bob smiled to himself.
A job well done.  The last cop swore and shot off Bob’s kneecaps.
Bob fell to the ground and was kinda annoyed.
Several more cops came out of the bush and started beating him,
when they finished they said he was under arrest.

The Moral Of This Story Is:
Don’t go jogging in the park, you could get chest pains.

So, this is the excitement of The Chainsaw Killer.  I know it’s not Steinbeck or anything, but I have always had a certain fondness for it.  So now I share it with the world!  I expect fb groups to form around it.  Movies by Michael Bay.  Interviews by Anderson Cooper.

Or maybe not.  Anyway, enjoy!

Scoopriches

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About scoopsmentalpropaganda

Married to beautiful wife. Always learning a ton of stuff. Geek with too much useless knowledge. fb page: https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Scoops-Mental-Propaganda/192314550819647 twitter & twitpic: Scoopriches AboutMe Page: http://about.me/paulriches This site is an @Scoopriches production
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