Dear Headmistress McGonagall,
Recently my son has returned home from Hogwarts for the Christmas break, and with him a certain library book which peaked my interest.
Being what you would term a Muggle, I have never seen Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them by Newt Scamander. First off, this book is defaced, which my son tells me was by some famous former student who donated his copy to your school. Be that as it may, someone should tell this Harry Plodder to respect printed books more.
But now onto the actual content. I have witnessed many wonderful and magical things since my son has started Hogwarts, so I endeavor to keep an open mind. But are all these creatures real? Centaurs and Unicorns and Merpeople are all fine and everything, since they already existed or something, but some of these others?
Is this bird called a Fwooper really real? This Plimpy fish thingy sounds like something out of a Hollywood movie. And the Quintaped, this story about them being transformed wizards, all filled with bad attitudes, seemed strange and odd. Are you sure all these things exist? My son claims he has personally seen a Billywig, and managed to not get stung. This beast was shown to him by a Hagrid.
And who is this Hagrid fellow? My son babbles about how wonderful he is, but he sounds like a biker. I first thought he was a creature as well.
The start of this book contains a “history” by this Newt person (sounds like a pseudonym to me) and the question of what is the deal with these Goblins? They sound like troublemakers of some sort, and they should not be allowed to fraternize with the Trolls. For such great and powerful wizards, you people really do not seem to know how to govern you and your own.
This is not to sound too critical, but taking in all this new magic stuff and things is a bit much. Just yesterday, my son made our new cat float out the window. He thought it was you.
Maybe I should take a deep breath and calm my nerves. My son has another book, about a new sport called Quicken, that sounds promising.
May you have a most festive Christmas Headmistress, and may your garden be Gnome free.
P.S. Congratulations to your promotion to Headmistress. I understand your late predecessor wrote the foreword to Fantastic Beasts. I am sorry for your loss. He sounded like a very nice man.
This missive was accidentally delivered to me by a very small owl. I reprinted it here for your illumination of the magical community we live side by side with.
P.P.S. Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them is copyright 2012 to J.K. Rowling. It is a 42 page paperback textbook.